Mafia Gazette Past Issue 13
31st August, 2005 'FERRET CAUSES HAVOC IN STREETS' By: Nemesis The streets of Las Vegas were torn apart last Monday night by a speeding car whose breaks had failed. It is said that a Satanic oil covered ferret was the cause of the brakes malfunction resulting in the out of control car ploughing through a playground injuring more than 20 children. Fortunately no one was seriously injured. Young Timmy Hodgekins, one of the eyewitnesses had this to say about the moment the car drove over the sandpit destroying his recently constructed sand mound. “It was going really, really, really, REALLY fast.” Police have not yet released the names of those involved but have announced that it is believed the three men in the car were trying to dispose of the body of MonneyPenny, the head of the Ladies Sewing Circle & Terrorist Society who died in hospital following a violent mugging earlier that day. When Nurses from Las Vegas’s hospital went to check on MonneyPenny’s condition they found that she and her visitors had gone, and the floor of the room was covered in olive oil with a strong smell of Marijuana and burnt ferret in the air. In an attempt to stop the speeding vehicle a Mr PualoDiBurdendo constructed a large embankment out of sand for the car to drive into. Unfortunately Mr Burdendo did not realise that he had used hard sand to construct the embankment as a result when the car hit it, one of the passengers was sent flying through the windscreen into a nearby fire hydrant killing him instantly. The driver of the car was also killed during the collision however the other passenger received only minor wounds. When police arrived at the scene of the accident they found only the crashed car imbedded in the sand embankment and an ambulance speeding away from the wreckage. Later the same ambulance was reported stolen. In an attempt to track down the stolen ambulance a squad car set off in the direction the ambulance had been heading in when it left the accident. Although the search for the ambulance proved to be unsuccessful the police did find 12 baby ferrets at the side of the road. They were suffering from third degree burns and severe shock. So much in fact that as one of the police officers approached the ugly looking ferretlets attacked and ate him leaving just his badge and his teeth un-eaten. Boffins say that these scorched satanic ninja ferrets are extremely dangerous and are not to be approached under any circumstances. 'THE MYSTERY MEN: AN OLD ENEMY, A NEW THREAT ' By: Anonymous An Underground organisation is making power moves that pose a danger to any who stand in opposition to them. The group, known as the Mystery Men, have been the cause of many deaths over the past few days. Many people in our community who have a high standing in the criminal underworld have been dying. These people include: Desdanova, Slick-Johnny, Red_Rabbit, Karma, Batmanz and SamTheAmericanTeddyBear. All of them have been victims of murders carried out by these Mystery Men. This is not a coincidence. The Mystery Men are once again making a move for power in the streets. It has been reported that they will stop at nothing to achieve their goal: dominance over our community. Their leader is reported to be AntonioMontello1, a long member of the community, but now believed to want nothing more but power, and willing do anything to get it. Another group, or leader, is also making a move for power. Chell, AKA TinkerBell, the leader of AfterLife, was personally responsible for the deaths of Frankie figs, Revelation, Segreetza, and offered $900,00 for the head of DeepWound, but refused to pay up after ChooseYourDeath fulfilled the contract. The hit man was killed shortly after the death of DeepWound. People have been calling for the community to band together against these groups who are killing leaders. Calls for stability and an end to the war that seems to be approaching have been made in the streets as well as behind closed doors. Many are reluctant to fight against the two organisations out of fear of being killed themselves, and also through an unwillingness to fight against the friends and family that have joined these two factions. One member of our community spoke to the paper saying, “I’m calling all proud members of our community to arms! Now is the time to fight our most powerful enemies. If you want vengeance for the many honorable souls taken by these the Mystery Men and Chell, then we must all come together and fight these enemies. These people are terrorists, nothing more. We must fight terror with terror. I am asking all who wish to take part in this final destruction of The Mystery Men, as well as Chell and allies, the most dangerous underground crew, and dangerous person this world has ever seen, to contact TieDomiII. He is a citizen who will help organize this war”. A member of the Mystery Men was asked for comment and for reasons as to why the bosses had been killed. He stated that there had been reasons, however he was not prepared to discuss them with the press until such times as he had the authorisation to do so from his boss. As soon as we have more on this story, we will bring it to you. 'RETURN FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE?' Comment by: Anonymous It has come to my attention that many respected and popular bosses have fallen this week. Slain by a force that, many thought was gone from our streets forever. Now it seems that the fabled Mystery Men have returned to reclaim the cities of our wonderful nation. The Governor of Michigan has issued a state of emergency on the streets of the city of Detroit. The self elected Mayor Unknown of the city of Detroit has declared his city closed to visitors and businessmen alike. "All members found entering my city will be shot on site"- Mayor Unknown, follow a press briefing issued this warning. The question on many peoples minds tonight is could it be possible that the Mystery Men have return from there seemingly watery grave from months ago? The answer is yes. Many well-respected Mafiosi have had their graves marked by the unmistakable tag of the Mystery Men. Those who have been tagged thus far include, Karma-Street Boss SamTheAmericanTeddyBear-Street Boss tally-Hoodlum GoldenVision-Hoodlum Karmasutra-Thug have had their graves marked with the sign of a Mystery Man. Courtesy of the Mystery Men, who else? Citizens of Detroit beware; the Mystery Men hunt with no mercy and have no concern for human life. The citizens of our fair cities have reported Mystery Men killings as far west as Las Vegas and as far south as Dallas. The next question is are the Mystery Men expanding? 'LETTERS TO THE EDITOR ' Those Loveable rogues – A brown nosing by: MiSTie It’s been a long time since I have heard anyone mention these guys, but aren’t the mystery men just loveable? I know they run around killing Street bosses and their underlings without cause or reason, but isn’t their something fascinating about the chaos they bring? I mean through your hatred of them, haven’t you too fallen in love with Characters such as RTL or Jimmy. Haven’t you been hypnotized by Hawkery's golden locks and haven’t you been confused how one of the most well known Mafioso’s can still go under the pseudonym unknown? And that is to name but a few. Well with this brief note I would like to say Thank you Mystery men for making life a little more interesting. 'NEWSPAPER SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE ' The Gazette will now be offering a subscription service for anyone wishing to receive the Mafia Gazette by mob mail or post. Subscriptions will cost$200 per week, $380 per fortnight, $700 per month or $5,000 for a lifetime subscription (post option only for fortnightly, monthly or lifetime subscriptions). All subscriptions will start from the day after subscription fees are paid. Please contact Tallulah for details of subscriptions or to apply to deliver the Gazette weekly subscriptions. Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact Tallulah, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand. ' 'WALKING THE WIRE Comment By: WireRope Making Mafia Money I woke up one Saturday morning in my dusty 2-room flat, paint and canvass all over the place. I walked out and down onto the streets. It was early, and the shops were just opening. I cocked my gun, pulled on my balaclava and ran into the nearest bookies. Pointing my gun at his head I demanded he gave me all the money he had. He handed over about $500. I ran out, but heard a siren and shots fire. I gave up peacefully and was in jail for a few months. During my time inside I thought about money. All the jobs on these streets seemed to be taken. I needed money to continue with my dream of beginning my own art school, but crime seemed to be the only way to do it. Once I was out, I used all the money I’d stashed away to buy a small building which would be called the “WireRope School of Art”. The students came and went, and I set up a portrait business for the people of the streets. Within a week I had make over 70k out of portraits. The risk free life of legitimate business was making me as much as my life of crime had. Thus I decided that starting a business from scratch could make me a lot of money, even if our streets seem to dictate that the only way to get rich is to break the law. I’m using this article as a way of promoting the idea of setting up legitimate business as a way of making money. I have several more ideas, which I’m sure will also help me on my way to my fortune. Just think up a few ideas and if you have one that has potential, develop it and go for it. You never know how successful a business venture will be until you’ve tried it. Good Luck. 'WE HEAR THAT…' Gossip column by: Jane ....MST and Puck ran off in a huff because of Gazza's recent marriage and got married to each other. Word on the streets is that Puck wore the dress, but MST wore the thong. 'WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS ' Announcing the wedding of Jane, daughter of Trixie from New York, and Gazza, from Dallas. The wedding was held at All Saints Church, New York on Tuesday 30th August. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to Tallulah at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. ---- LIFE INSURANCE the road getting rough? Too many people out trying to bust your balls? Worried about how you're gonna secure your family's future? Well welcome to 8inch Insurance.. If you are in trouble and expecting you're about to get da chops, then this is the policy for you, we offer 2 days of all of your money back to your family and descendents with no interest charged.. If after 2 days the insurance has not been claimed, on the third day we will keep 50% of your policy amount, and further if on the 4th day still not claimed we will keep 100%.. P.S. The policy can be only claimed by family descendents, if policy owner still alive he can not claim/cancel his policy. ---- If you grew up listening to the stories that your fathers and grandfathers told you about the way things were; If your looking for a place that you can hang your hat, and have an interesting conversation with 'a few good men'; And if your the kind of person that longs for the days of respect on the streets, then there is no place finer than "Il Martello Stridulo Bar & Grille" of Atlanta. Stop in and enjoy an atmosphere reminiscent of the days that your forebears spoke of. Fine Italian drink and cuisine, coupled with the respect and camaraderie that you would expect coming Punk_xander. Il Martello Stridulo Bar & Grille Located just south of the uptown dock, Atlanta Now Hiring ---- Horses For Sale Va Va Voom - $125,000 Slippery Momma - $150,000 Or Best Offer! Contact: Joshy1 St. MoneyZeb's - Still open for business! Following the death of Doc MoneyPenny, Dr Lexi (MFI. GHD. BSE.) will be running St. MoneyZeb's for the Mentally Infirm. Bring along your unwanted parents/children/pets and we'll take care of the rest! SPECIAL OFFER - SEPTEMBER ONLY! 2 for 1! That's right - during the month of September, we'll treat TWO for the price of ONE! That's double the burden lifted, double the medication, double the... ummm... STUFF! ---------------------------------------------------------------- Vida's Horse Business Here's how it works, Go to the stable and pick out a horse you wish to purchase, tell me the name of the horse and transfer the money to me plus my fee (see chart below) and I will purchase the horse and sell it back to you. The minimum person to person sell is $2. Please note we both must be online to complete the transaction with no problems. Contact me by mailing to Vida2. Horse Cost My Fee $0 - $50,000 = $5,000 $50,000 - $100,000 = $10,000 $100,000 - $300,000 = $20,000 $300,000 - $500,000 = $30,000 $500,000 - $1,000,000 = $40,000 $1,000,000 - up = $50,000 P.S. If I wanted to steal your money, I would be mugging you right now. 100% Legit. ---- The Bank of MST: Are you tired of being left nothing by your parents? Do you want to be a better parent? Maybe give your son/daughter a little head start in life? Well here at the bank of MST we are running off shore accounts for a minimal fee you can leave money for an unborn loved one or just have a place to leave it in a secure place while you a trapped in potential lethal position. Contact Magiacally_Superior_Treve for further Details Mafia Bonus Ball Lottery: Buy as many numbers as you want (maximum of 49 numbers, 1 - 49, sold on a first come first served Basis). If your number is drawn you win $245000. If a number is drawn that hasn’t been bought then there will be a roll over. Draws are running currently on Saturdays only but may increase to Wednesdays too. Tickets are for sale now only $5000 each. Contact Magiacally_Superior_Treve for further details 'REFERENCES' '''1. '''Article taken from http://pvp.a.mafia.org/gazette.php?issue=19 Browse • • • • • • •